Resting in His Best

I'll say as a disclaimer right up front that this is not my usual "cute pictures of the girls" post. God keeps nudging my heart to write about this, and I would love for our family to someday have a record in our blog books of some of the spiritual battles & victories that Tom & I have gone through instead of just cute stories & pictures (love those too!). I thought about just keeping this one in the archive to have in our book someday but not actually publishing it, but a quiet Holy Spirit voice in my head tells me that somebody might be struggling & feel a tiny bit less alone to read about someone else's battle.

Let me start by saying how very blessed we feel each & every day to be given two wonderful, healthy girls to raise. We are enjoying our marriage, loving our home that God provided, & feel so thankful to have so many precious friends, an amazing church, great neighbors, supportive families, good health, the list just goes on and on. We are amazed at God's goodness to us.

A little over a year ago we thought that the time was right to add another little one into our family. We had finally gotten enough amnesia to dull the memories of not sleeping for over a year with sweet Maelyn! Getting & staying pregnant has never been easy for me. We tried for almost a year for our first, miscarried, and then had our beautiful Anna. The second time we were blessed with our beautiful Mae after just 6 months... but those were long & scary months not knowing if it was going to drag on like it did the first time, and if we were going to have any more losses in our future. Unfortunately, this third time hasn't been much different. It has been 13 months now and we have lots of dr's visits, hormone treatments, & various tests during recent months. Our insurance doesn't cover infertility, so we haven't started "official" infertility treatments but have exhausted what we can both have done with our regular drs.

I have the most wonderful, prayerful, & godly friends - who pretty much all happen to be incredibly FERTILE! I love all of them dearly, and couldn't be happier for each of their precious babies. God's plan for them didn't include infertility, but I know that all of my friends as well as my family members struggle with something that they have ferverently prayed would be different for them. I know that I'm not alone in having a prayer that you desperately want to hear God's "yes" continually be answered by a "no".

What I am so very thankful for is that this time around God is making it incredibly clear that this is a spiritual battle for me. I feel like I have grown so much in each of my seasons of hoping for a baby, but this time feels more intense. We are studying Moses & the Isrealites in BSF this year & every lesson I have been applying to this situation (I just LOVE BSF & how you are constantly asked to apply the Word to your life!). I don't want to be a greedy Isrealite in the desert always crying out for more - I want to rest in God's provision of the two precious miracles He has already given me. I don't want to be envious like Miriam - I want to be content with the gift of having two healthy pregnancies & babies that so many women don't get to experience. I don't want to have to learn the same lessons over & over like God's chosen people did - I want to grow & change from this experience.

I have heard from so many different sources lately that God's plan for us is not to become more happy, but more holy. I don't think "more holy" means figuring it all out or being self-righteous, but I think it does mean conforming more all the time to what God wants for you & becoming more like Christ - willing to accept God's plan of the very best even if it doesn't feel that way. I know that the more content I become, the more I trust that the plan He has for our family is the very best plan, the more joy I have. That joy doesn't feel like happiness all the time I admit, but each day they are going to grow closer & closer together. Lately God has been so gracious that for most of each day I am completely believing with my whole heart that a family of four is His best for us for right now. Not just wanting to believe it, but actually resting peacefully in that.

I keep clinging to the fact that in all this I am being refined. We all have things in our lives that we desperately wish we didn't have to go through, but when I choose to really wrap myself around that & thank God for changing me while going through the hard stuff it becomes more worth it. I wish a year ago we could have tried for a month & been so excited to learn that we were pregnant, but it didn't happen that way. I can be crushed that it hasn't happened month after month, and the human part of me will always be somewhat frustrated & disappointed, but I know that I can find joy that God is teaching me patience, contentment, gratitude, & submission through NOT getting what I want. I am being refined.

If you've made it this far in this rambling post, thanks for listening! I know that someday I'll want my girls to read what this felt like to want something that was completely out of my reach & control, but also to want to walk closer with my Savior more than anything. I want to have a thankful spirit for even the hard things that will do that for me. I am SO not perfect... I have days when I just want to scream that "this stinks!" and sometimes I say that & more! I've struggled with envy, anger, & a lack of trust more times than I can count. Thankfully God has put spiritually mature friends, family, my church, & my BSF leader in my life to speak words of encouragement to me when I need it most. I thank God for each of you!

Someday you might read on this blog that God has blessed us with another child. Or, someday you might read that we have decided to move forward & stop trying for another baby so that I can get off the "hormonal roller coaster" & just enjoy my precious family if we feel He says it's complete. Either way I'm so thankful for how God has refined & grown me through this experience. Praise Him!